How to rekindle the spark when routine has taken over your relationship

Rekindling the spark is often the request behind a couple's first coaching session. People do not tell me "we don't love each other any more". They say "we live like flatmates", "we only talk about shopping and the children", "I can't remember the last time we laughed together".

I am a couples coach, sophrologist and hypnotherapist in Bordeaux, and I see couples at my practice for sessions of 90 minutes to two hours. I do not have a miracle recipe, and I am wary of the ones you see everywhere. But some things really do help, and research on couples backs up several of them. Here they are.

Why the spark fades, even when you love each other

At the beginning, everything is new. You discover each other, do things together for the first time, surprise each other. Then life settles in: work, housing, sometimes children, the burden of organising everything. That is not failure, it is the normal course of things. But the novelty fades, and some of the momentum goes with it.

Researchers at Stony Brook University in New York looked into this. In a series of surveys and experiments, they showed that couples who share new and exciting activities report greater satisfaction, and that boredom plays a part in the usual dip in relationship quality after the early days. That is fairly good news: boredom is something you can work on.

What I often see at my practice is that couples are not short of love. They are short of moments when they are something other than joint household managers.

Bringing back novelty together

This is the simplest and most underrated approach. In the Stony Brook team's experiments, seven minutes of a new and slightly exciting activity done together was enough for couples to report better relationship quality than after an ordinary activity.

This is not about travelling to the other side of the world. It is about stepping out of your shared habits:

• try a restaurant serving a cuisine you do not know;
• learn something together, a dance step, a recipe, a language;
• go for a walk on a path you have never taken;
• see a show neither of you would have picked alone;
• go back to a place from your early days and do something new there.

The exercise I suggest to couples

Each of you writes down, separately, three ideas for new activities you would enjoy doing together within the month. Then swap lists, and each of you picks one idea from the other's list. You now have two dates, and each of you has taken a step towards what the other wants.

What if you live apart?

Distance takes away exactly the small shared moments that keep closeness alive. So you have to recreate them on purpose. Set up video calls that are not just about logistics: a dinner "together" in your own homes, a film started at the same time, a book you are both reading and can talk about. Now and then, send a message that breaks the routine, a memory, a photo of something that made you think of the other person. And always plan the next time you will see each other. Having a date to look forward to changes how the waiting feels.

Really seeing each other again, day to day

The spark is not only about big moments. It lives in small everyday attentions, or in their absence.

Ten minutes without logistics

Set aside ten minutes a day, without screens, to talk about something other than organising things. What made you happy today? What annoyed you? What is on your mind at the moment? It is short, and it is often what the couples I work with miss most. If ten minutes feel impossible, start with five, in the evening once the children are in bed or during a car journey.

Noticing what the other person does

Over time, you stop seeing what your partner does. You mostly see what they do not do. For a week, try to say one specific thank you each day: not "thanks for everything", but "thank you for calling my mum, I didn't have the energy". Feeling seen is the foundation of closeness. I have written a whole article on what feeling unappreciated does to people, and couples are no exception.

Physical closeness too

An arm round the shoulders, holding hands while walking, a real kiss before leaving in the morning rather than a quick goodbye. These gestures often disappear without anyone noticing. Bringing them back on purpose may feel artificial at first. It does not stay that way for long. And if you are not sure where to start, simply ask your partner what feels good to them: we often assume, and rarely ask. Even after years together, the answer can still be a surprise.

Talking about difficult subjects without causing damage

Rekindling the spark does not mean avoiding conflict. A couple who never argue is sometimes a couple who no longer tell each other anything. What matters is how you argue.

The American researcher John Gottman spent decades observing couples. In a study of 73 couples followed for four years, his team showed that the couples in the most difficulty stood out for more negative expression, less positive expression, more stubbornness, withdrawal and defensiveness, and that more of them considered separating or actually separated.

Another study, of 124 newlywed couples, went further: the way a discussion about a disagreement began, within its first three minutes, predicted separations over the following six years. How you start matters enormously.

Starting gently

Before raising a sensitive subject, ask yourself: am I starting with a complaint or with what I feel? "You never do anything" shuts the conversation down. "I feel overwhelmed at the moment, I'd like us to look at how we organise things together" opens it up.

Taking a break when things heat up

When anger rises too high, you stop listening and start defending yourself. Agree in advance on a word to call a pause, and on when you will pick up again, say twenty minutes later. In the meantime, step away, breathe slowly with a longer out-breath, go for a walk. Then come back. A pause is not running away if it has a return time.

Easing what weighs on the relationship

It is hard to desire each other when you are exhausted, or when one of you carries almost all of the household organisation. Tiredness and a sense of unfairness kill the spark more surely than routine.

If that sounds familiar, look at how the running of the home is shared, not just the tasks but also the remembering. I go into this in detail in my article on mental load. And if your sleep has been all over the place for months, start there: my tips to improve your sleep can help, as can some pointers on managing stress and emotions.

When to get support

Couples coaching can help when the same arguments keep coming back without ever being resolved, when you only talk about organising things, or when one of you is thinking of leaving without daring to say so. In sessions, I give each person room to speak and be heard, we work on how to approach difficult subjects, and you leave with exercises to do between appointments. Sophrology can complement this when stress is taking over for one of you.

Coaching does not replace medical advice. If one of you is going through depression, deep exhaustion or serious distress, talk to your doctor first.

And one very clear limit: if there is violence, whether physical, verbal, psychological, sexual or financial, it is not a communication problem, and couples coaching is not appropriate. In France, the national health insurance points out that 3919 Violences Femmes Info listens to and advises victims and those close to them, free of charge and anonymously. It is not an emergency number: if you are in danger, call 17 or text 114. Elsewhere, contact your local emergency number or a domestic abuse helpline.

I offer couples coaching at my practice on rue Ducau, as part of my couples therapy in Bordeaux support. A session lasts 90 minutes to two hours and costs €150; all my fees are on the pricing page, and my background is on my about page. In the meantime, try the three-ideas exercise this week. It is a small step, and you take it together.