How to work on yourself: where to start, in practical terms

"I really ought to work on myself." It is a sentence I hear often at my practice, usually said with a touch of weariness. You feel you are going round in circles: the same reactions, the same arguments, the same tiredness. You want things to change, without knowing where to start, or even whether it is "serious" or a bit vague.

I am a sophrologist, hypnotherapist and wellbeing coach in Bordeaux. My own work on myself started rather abruptly, with a burnout after years in start-ups. I had not chosen to take a hard look at myself. I was forced to. And it was through sophrology, by learning to listen to my body again, that I began to understand what had led me there.

Here you will find what working on yourself really means, where to start, simple exercises for the body and the emotions, and pointers on when it is better to get some support.

What working on yourself means

Working on yourself means taking the time to look at how you function, so that you can change what no longer suits you. There is nothing mystical about it. You observe your reactions, you understand where they come from, and you try other ways of doing things.

It does not mean becoming someone else. Nor "the best version of yourself", a phrase that only adds pressure. It is more about becoming a little more yourself, with less autopilot.

It does not necessarily mean going back over your whole childhood either. Some people need to understand their story, others mostly need tools for the present. Both are valid.

Working on yourself through the mind and the body

We often picture working on yourself as something that happens in the head: thinking, analysing, understanding. That is useful, but it is not always enough. You can understand perfectly well why you lose your temper and still keep losing it. That is why, in sophrology, I also work through the body: breathing, tension, sensations. The body often reacts before you have had time to think.

Why change is hard

If changing were easy, we would have done it already. Our usual reactions were often useful at some point in our lives: keeping quiet to avoid conflict, controlling everything to feel safe, giving everything to work to be recognised. The brain holds on to what worked, even when it no longer does. That is why I never talk about "flaws" in my sessions, but about strategies that have had their day. You do not tear them out, you gradually replace them with others that fit better with your life today.

Where to start: getting clear on what you want to change

The first step is knowing what you want to work on. "Feeling better" is too vague to move forward. You need something more concrete.

An exercise to see more clearly

Take a sheet of paper and answer these questions, without censoring yourself:

• What keeps coming up in my life that I would like to change?
• In which situations do I feel least like myself?
• If this problem were solved tomorrow, how would I actually notice?
• What have I already tried, and what worked a little?

The third question is the most important. It turns a vague wish into an observable goal: "I would say no to my manager when my workload is already full", "I would fall asleep without replaying my day", "I would talk to my sister without it ending in an argument".

One goal at a time

I suggest starting with a single goal, not five. Working on yourself is tiring when you try to change everything at once. One goal achieved gives you momentum for the next.

Listening to what your body is saying

This is often the part people forget, and yet it is where sophrology brings the most. Your body sends you signals well before you realise something is wrong: a clenched jaw, a knotted stomach, shoulders creeping up.

A five-minute body scan each day

Sit down, close your eyes and breathe calmly a few times. Then move your attention slowly from the top of your head down to your feet, area by area. Do not try to change anything. Simply notice where there is tension, warmth or discomfort, or on the contrary relaxation.

Do it every day at the same time for two weeks, and write one line about what you noticed. The people I work with often discover that their tension does not appear at random: it shows up on Sunday evenings, before certain appointments, after certain calls.

A simple sophrology routine

Add one or two short exercises to this scan: breathing with a long out-breath, or a shoulder shrug on the in-breath followed by a complete release. I have described them step by step in my sophrology exercises to do at home. This is not working on yourself "on top" of everything else. It is a way of creating a little space between what happens and how you react to it.

Moving helps too, more than you might think. France's national health insurance points out that physical activity lowers stress levels, improves self-esteem and steadies mood. A daily walk is part of working on yourself, just as much as reflection.

Putting words to what you feel

Many of the people I see can say they are "not doing well", but struggle to say exactly what they feel. Yet putting the right word on an emotion already changes something.

Naming the emotion

A brain imaging study by Lieberman and colleagues showed that putting a word to an emotion reduces the response of the amygdala, an area of the brain closely involved in fear and alarm. In practice: replacing "I feel bad" with "I feel let down", "I feel humiliated", "I'm scared I won't manage". The more precise the word, the more it helps.

Writing without rereading

Writing is a simple, accessible tool. Take ten minutes, several days in a row, to write about what is on your mind, without worrying about style or spelling. A large meta-analysis by Frattaroli, pooling 146 randomised studies, found a positive effect from this kind of written expression. I would rather be honest: the average effect is modest. But it is free, easy to try, and many people find real relief in it.

If writing brings up very painful things, stop. It is not an exercise to push through at all costs, alone, late in the evening. For other ways of making room for what you feel, I have gathered ideas in my article on managing stress and emotions.

Being a little kinder to yourself

When you decide to work on yourself, you often tend to judge yourself harshly: "I should be able to do this", "I'm hopeless for still reacting like that". It gets in the way.

Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook

Self-compassion means talking to yourself the way you would talk to a friend going through the same difficulty. Not to excuse everything, but to give yourself the means to change. A meta-analysis by MacBeth and Gumley, covering 14 studies, found a strong link between more self-compassion and less psychological distress. It is a statistical link, not proof of cause and effect, but it matches what I see in my sessions.

A simple exercise: next time you criticise yourself, put a hand on your chest, breathe, and ask yourself what you would say to your best friend in the same situation. Then say it to yourself.

Accepting the slip-ups

Setbacks are part of the path. You will fall back into old habits, that is certain. It is not a sign that the work is not working. It is a chance to look at what happened: what set off the reaction? What could I have done just before? And letting go of what does not depend on you, by listing what you control and what you do not, lets you put your energy in the right place. If self-doubt follows you at every step, my article on feeling like an impostor may speak to you.

Looking at the people around you

You do not work on yourself in a vacuum. The people around us can lift us up or, on the contrary, wear us out.

Relationships that drain you

Some relationships always leave a bitter aftertaste: constant criticism, negativity that rubs off, successes never acknowledged, guilt used to get something. Spotting them does not mean cutting ties with everyone. It means becoming aware of the effect they have on you.

Setting boundaries

Working on yourself often involves this: learning to say no, to say what does not suit you, to spend less time with people who wear you down. It can be learnt, and it can be prepared. Start with low-stakes situations: turning down an invitation you do not want, asking for a little more time on a task. Each small no makes the next one easier, and you discover that the relationship usually survives it far better than you feared. In sophrology, for example, you can rehearse a difficult conversation in your mind while staying calm and grounded.

A small inventory

Take a sheet of paper and draw two columns. On the left, the people after whom you feel lighter, more confident, more yourself. On the right, those after whom you feel drained, tense or belittled. Do not judge, just observe. Then ask yourself how to give a little more room to the left-hand column and a little less to the right. Sometimes simply changing the length or setting of a meeting makes it weigh less.

And make sure you are surrounded by people who support you: a friend you can really talk to, a group, a professional. Nobody can do the work for you, but you do not have to do it alone.

Making change last

The hardest part is not starting. It is carrying on when the initial enthusiasm fades.

Small, regular actions

Five minutes every day is better than a big session of soul-searching once a month. Link your exercise to a fixed moment, your morning coffee, the commute home, and keep it short at first.

Giving yourself time

A habit takes time to become automatic. Research described by Gardner, Lally and Wardle shows that a new behaviour becomes automatic after 66 days on average, with big differences from one person to the next. Good news in passing: missing a day does not bring everything crashing down. You simply pick it up again the next day.

Noticing what is getting better

We tend to spot mainly what is going wrong. In the evening, before sleeping, write down one thing you did differently during the day, however tiny: a breath before replying, a break taken, a request made. It is an exercise I often give, because it trains you to see how far you have come, not just how far there is to go.

Taking stock regularly

Every two weeks, reread your notes. What has changed, even slightly? What is still stuck? We rarely notice our progress from day to day. Seeing it written down is very motivating. If a goal no longer feels right, you are allowed to change it: adjusting along the way is part of the work, not a failure.

When to get support

You can do some of this work on your own. But there are times when support saves a lot of time: when you keep going round in circles despite your efforts, when you do not know where to start, or when you need an outside view to see what you cannot see.

When to see a doctor first

Working on yourself, sophrology and coaching do not replace medical advice. If you have been very low for several weeks, if you are barely sleeping, if you can no longer work or if you have dark thoughts, talk to your doctor first, without waiting. Support from me can then come alongside.

What I offer

In sophrology sessions for adults, I help you listen to what your body is saying, ease tension and prepare for the situations you find difficult. In life coaching, we work more on your goals, your choices and what is holding you back, with concrete steps between sessions. I often combine the two.

I see people at my practice for life coaching in Bordeaux, on rue Ducau, and by video call too. My background, and how I came to this work, are on the about page.

In the meantime, start with the four-question exercise tonight, on a simple sheet of paper. It is often the most useful first step.