Grief: the stages, what you feel and how to find support

When you lose someone, you look for something to hold on to. At two in the morning you type "stages of grief" into your phone, read denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and try to work out where you are. Then you worry that you are not ticking the right box.

I am a sophrologist, hypnotherapist and wellbeing coach in Bordeaux. I do not provide psychological grief support. But grief often comes into my practice through another door: tiredness that will not lift, short nights, a lump in the throat, the feeling of staying upright out of sheer habit.

Here you will find what those famous stages really say, what research observes, what grief does to the body, a few simple things for the hard days, and the signs that should lead you to see a doctor.

The five stages of grief, a landmark rather than a programme

The best-known model comes from the psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. It describes five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression (in the sense of deep sadness) and acceptance. It did something hugely valuable: it put words to things people did not dare say, such as anger at the person who has died.

The trouble starts when it is read as a staircase to climb one step at a time. The NHS points out that you will not necessarily go through all of these stages, or in that order. In France, Santé.fr goes further: there are no compulsory stages.

What you may go through

Rather than stages, I prefer to talk about common reactions that come and go:

• shock, a sense of unreality, sometimes a kind of numbness;
• longing, wanting to see the person again, to hear their voice;
• anger, at fate, at the care staff, at yourself or at the person who has gone;
• guilt, with all its "if only";
• heavy sadness and a feeling of emptiness;
• and then, at moments, a little peace, which does not wipe everything away.

The Santé.fr page puts it well: acceptance does not mean the sadness goes away completely. You learn to live with the absence. That is not the same as forgetting.

What research really observes

A Yale University study followed 233 bereaved people, after a death from natural causes, for two years. First finding: disbelief was not the dominant reaction at the start. From the first month, acceptance was the response people expressed most often, and yearning for the person was the most present painful feeling.

The researchers also looked at when each reaction peaked: disbelief in the first month, yearning at around four months, anger at around five months, depressed mood at around six months. Everything overlaps, but the hardest feelings peak on average within the first six months. According to the authors, if they remain very strong beyond that, a professional opinion can be useful.

Going back and forth is normal

Another model speaks to me a lot in sessions. Two Dutch researchers, Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, called it the dual process model. It describes someone moving back and forth: moments turned towards the loss (crying, looking at photos, going over the last days) and moments turned towards the life that carries on (paperwork, work, a meal with friends).

Both matter. So do the breaks: the authors see giving yourself some respite as part of grieving in a healthy way. If you laughed at a dinner a week after the funeral, you are not betraying anyone.

Grief is also felt in the body

This is what I see most often in my work. People arrive exhausted, even though they have "hardly moved". They sleep badly, wake at 4 am, have lost their appetite or eat without noticing. They breathe shallowly, high in the chest, as if holding something back.

The NHS lists tiredness among the common reactions to grief. It is not a lack of willpower. Grieving is a constant effort, even sitting in an armchair.

Can you die of a broken heart?

The question comes up often, and it deserves an honest answer. A review published in The Lancet, led from Utrecht University, points out that grief is not an illness and that most people adjust without psychological help. But it also notes a higher risk of death, especially in the first weeks and months, and more physical health problems.

In practice: while you are grieving, do not neglect your body. If you are on medical treatment, keep taking it. If an unusual pain or breathlessness appears, see a doctor without delay, without telling yourself "it is just stress".

How long does grief last?

There is no end date. Santé.fr says it is normal to feel depressed for a few months after a serious loss. The longing, though, can resurface years later, on an anniversary, when you hear a song, when you pass someone wearing the same perfume.

When I was going through my burnout, I waited for a specific day when I would be "fixed". That day never came. What came was a series of days that were a little less heavy. I think grief is like that: you do not wake up one morning having "finished" grieving, you notice one day that you thought of the person with a smile, without falling apart.

A useful landmark is the direction. Is life making a little more room again, even slowly? If so, you are moving forward, at your own pace. If everything stays frozen, or gets worse, it is time to ask for help.

A few things for the hard days

None of this makes the pain disappear. They are supports, so the body can hold up while the heart does its work. Pick one, not all of them.

Lengthen the out-breath

Sit down with your feet flat on the floor. Put one hand on your belly. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, then blow out gently through your mouth for a count of six. Keep going for two or three minutes. If tears come, let them come and keep breathing out slowly. Heart coherence breathing, which I use a lot, builds on the same idea.

An appointment with your sorrow

This idea comes from the dual process model. Choose a moment in the day, twenty minutes for example, when you allow yourself to think about the person: look at photos, write, cry. The rest of the time, when the wave arrives at the wrong moment, you can tell yourself "I will think about it tonight". It is not running away. It is giving the pain somewhere to go.

Come back to the body

The NHS recommends keeping regular meals, moving a little, setting yourself small goals and avoiding alcohol to numb the pain. A fifteen-minute walk, a hot shower, a bowl of soup: these are small things, and they count. Protecting your sleep matters too, even with simple habits.

Talk

To a friend, a family member, a support group. Santé.fr lists several French bereavement support associations, such as Vivre son deuil, Empreintes or the FAVEC for widows and widowers. Sometimes telling the same story for the tenth time is exactly what you need.

When grief does not ease: seeing a doctor

For some people, grief gets stuck. A meta-analysis from Aarhus University, pooling 14 studies carried out after non-violent deaths, estimates that around 9.8% of bereaved adults, roughly one in ten, have prolonged grief disorder. The authors say this figure should be read with caution, because the studies differ a great deal from one another.

Talk to your GP if:

• your mood has been very low for more than two weeks and you can no longer cope, as the NHS recommends;
• several months on, the sadness or guilt is not easing at all;
• you cannot accept that the death has happened, or get back to your daily activities;
• anger persists and takes up all the space;
• you are barely eating, or barely sleeping.

The risk is higher after a sudden or unexpected death. And if you have suicidal thoughts, in France call 3114, the national suicide prevention line, or 15 in an emergency. This is not the time to wait.

Depression that can follow a bereavement is a matter for a doctor and psychological support. Sophrology does not replace medical advice or psychological care.

Finding support through grief

Getting support is not admitting you cannot manage. It is accepting help during a period when you are carrying a lot. Depending on what you need, it can be your doctor, psychological support, an association or a support group. They do not exclude one another.

My role is a complementary one. In a sophrology session, we work on what grief does to the body: breathing lower down, letting the shoulders drop, getting sleep that is a little less broken, noticing the moments when tension builds. The people I work with leave with two or three exercises they can do on their own. When I sense that the suffering goes beyond this setting, I say so and suggest seeing a doctor.

Hypnosis can also help some people find a space of calm again. I only offer it at my practice, as part of my hypnosis sessions for adults.

I see people at my practice as a sophrologist in Bordeaux, on rue Ducau, and I also offer online sophrology, which can be easier when leaving the house takes too much energy. You can read about my background on the about page. If you feel the need, you can book a sophrology session for adults. And tonight, simply try the long out-breath, three minutes, one hand on your belly.